If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Is this you?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping