If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Breaking news:
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand