If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?