if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
You Might Also Like
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.