Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant