If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁


Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles


I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair


I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.


Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.


Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.


Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat


It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.