@Ivsy01 People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
@WilliamAder If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
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@Ivsy01 
@TheBoydP Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
@Book_Krazy Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
@LostFelicia The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
@Death_Buddy *walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
@withanewname *installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
@WarrenHolstein Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
@LittlemoonLevin When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
@LizerReal okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
@KeetPotato wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”