@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

You Might Also Like

@trevso_electric

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

@kryzazzy

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@caseytduncan

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

@SarcasticSadOne

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

@TanukisRevenge

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.