If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.