If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.