If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
sleeping beauty
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.