If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
me before I type out affect or effect
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.