If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.