If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*