If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*