If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
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There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Life is a suicide mission.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.