If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down