If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Holy moly
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Vodka burrito was a success
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore