if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
You Might Also Like
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
my first dose meeting my second
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot