If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing