@goldengateblond You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
@Social_Mime If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
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@goldengateblond 
@Jeffwni Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
@maebemarbles Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
@shivillex Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
@ShutUpThatsWho [first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
@MelvinofYork I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
@_davidlucas_ *Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
@KrunkedRobot I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
@FormerHumorist 5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
@JediGigi Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ