@Social_Mime

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

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@goldengateblond

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

@maebemarbles

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

@shivillex

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@MelvinofYork

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

@KrunkedRobot

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

@FormerHumorist

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@JediGigi

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ