If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The USS B port
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.