WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.