If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?