if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy