If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-make you cry
-tell a lie
He’s not your man, he’s tacos
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries