If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw