If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.