if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.