If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.