If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously