If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*