If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.