Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime