If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?