If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!