@iwearaonesie wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
@Try2StopME If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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@iwearaonesie 
@hell_doe hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
@GrumpyBahr Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
@iwearaonesie *wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
@LackOfShame [their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
@daemonic3 [helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
@jujuhounds Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
@heytherejeffro Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
@sageboggs Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
@Brentweets You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom