If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks