If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
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TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
who did the taste test?