@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

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@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@TheCiscoKidder

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

@tastefactory

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

@HomeProbably

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

@tchrquotes

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@JeffSarcastic

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

@Kennedydp5

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

@Kori_Okie

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@DosieDoe

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.