If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane