If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT