If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?