If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.