If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Every damn time
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.