If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Carpe DM
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.