If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
What’s a Messi?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring