If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.