If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
This a good idea
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide