If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.