if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity