If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.