If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.