Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Yes, but it was never about money

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

cats when you pet them too long:

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.