If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.