If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.


Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.


“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]


Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.


I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.


My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.


LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u


If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?


Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh