If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.