If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.