If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
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[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!