If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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Me irl
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Thursday